Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Angry Drunken Irishman Lashes Out

He emailed me this to post:

If you haven't seen these videos yet, please watch them. You may have heard about this on the news, or read a brief blurb on Fark, but I really think that watching the videos has a lot more impact than simply reading about them...especially for an illiterate American audience.

Okay, but for real, stop looking at these boobies and go watch those videos*.

Now I know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be John Kerry.

Ever since I wrote my "Silencer" post a couple years ago, there's been this nagging feeling that somewhere, somehow, someone was going to beat me to the kill and earn the right to be called "The Silencer" before I would. Despite all attempts to cut out distractions by being school-less, jobless, and single, I have sadly not attained my goal. But leave it to John Kerry to accomplish something before I do.

How many times have you sat in class, listening to some PIGG (Pseudo-Intellectual Glasses Guy/Girl) drivel on and on about some bullshit nickel-store philosophy which has nothing to do with the theme of the class? Oh, you read some fucking Sylvia Plath bullshit in high school?

That's fucking great, retard, we're talking about something completely unrelated, so why don't you pack up your Ayn Rand and get the fuck on back to the coffee shop?

It's about damn time someone stood up to these PIGG fucktards and put them in their place. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? You are talking to a UNITED STATES SENATOR, motherfucker, now sit your bitch-ass polo-wearin' self down before the UFPD have to put some hurt on you. FUCK y'all PIGGS.

"Are you in the Skull and Bones Society with George Bush?" What the fuck kind of question is that? If I were listening to this motherfucker and had a taser, I would leap across the aisles and zap the gel right out of his hair too. Fuck him.

"Why did you concede the election to Bush without fighting it?" Because the only thing the last guy who challenged the presidential election results gained was fifty pounds and some bullshit hippie kudos for his documentary ("Hey, man, the cover of that DVD looks like this Van Gogh print I have in my room....let's get baked and watch it in our dorm rooms!"). However, as we can see from these videos, Kerry craftily decides to not answer this question with words, but through inaction:

- "Hmmm....why didn't I take action against Bush on election day, even though there was evidence that something fishy was happening? Well, let me continue to blather on about nothing while you get electrocuted....maybe this gives you some insight into my character. Hmm, why don't I seem like more of a take-charge guy? I'll have to get back to my study to ponder that, and maybe I'll have a press release issued within, better make it....what was I talking about again?"
Andrew Meyer - OW! OW! OW!

Kerry, you crafty bastard, I want to congratulate you on a job well done. You, sir, understand the essence of politics - keeping the attention of the masses while the oppressed scream in pain right next to them.
Kerry aside, I'm shocked to see that people have so much sympathy for this Andrew Meyer fuckhead. "Hey, man, let him talk! He has First Amendment rights too!" Not dressed like that, he doesn't. Honestly, I have to hand it to the UF Police Force: they showed more restraint than I would've.

- Ok, buddy, you've talked long enough
Andrew Meyer - He's had two hours! I can have two minutes! Waa waa waa!
Me - *pistol whip*

Problem solved. No screaming, no incriminating evidence on camera, just me dragging his "fainted" body out of the auditorium while cracked out conspiracy theorists spend the next ten years of their lives examining grainy footage to prove that I hit him. Plus, I would have planted coke on him.
All hypotheticals aside, this guy acted like a total pussy once they got him out of the auditorium. "They're going to kill me!" he shouts. Yeah, right. Maybe in a perfect world, but when you've got four cameras trained on you as the police escort you out of an auditorium full of witnesses, it's highly unlikely that they're going to "erase" you. Stop reading so much Orwell before bed. Besides, who wants to listen to a bunch of pussy bleeding hearts scream that you were a "person" with "rights"? Not this guy. If I had my way, I would have put a bag over his head "for his safety", driven over bumpy roads for the next two hours with him in the back of my squad car, made him dig a pussy-sized hole blindfolded, and then laughed at him because he peed his pants before depositing him back home with his mommy. Dude, in real life, you can't just flip out every time someone disagrees with you or doesn't want to listen to you. And sometimes people, cops and women specifically, use tasers to express their disagreement. So grow up and get used to hit.
I have to say that, although the UFPD did a fine job disabling this threat to our collective intellect, they should have come up with a better reason for charging him. "Inciting a riot?" If that's a real crime, then all the members of The Who would be locked away for the rest of their lives. Here's how it should have went down:

- What's my crime?!?! What's my crime?!?!
Me- Being a bitch. *pistol whip*

Although the non-Irish of us seem to have a problem with the way in which this situation was handled, I would like to congratulate fellow Irishman John Kerry for doing what I have never accomplished: having henchmen tackle and tase someone whenever they harassed me with bullshit questions. Life would be a lot easier if I were John Kerry.

Roommate - Where's the rent? Where's the rent?
Henchmen - *zap*
Me - *drink*

And so it is to you, John Kerry, that I bestow the hoodie, pipe, and title of "The Silencer". Even though we may never refer to you as "Mr. President," you can rest assured that you now have your very own secret superhero identity, compliments of the ADI. Life is all about avoiding difficult questions. Thanks a lot, Kerry, for teaching us that we don't have to put up with PIGGs throwing their intellectual shit in our faces. Sure, we know you didn't have "anything to do with it," but if we were at opposite ends of a pub, there would be a wink and a raised glass shared between us.

Now where the hell is my drink?


*Gabrielle d'Estr´┐Żes et une de ses soeurs, by some French dude. Apparently, this is "art". Awesome.


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